Saturday, October 31, 2009

Vergine, ma ancora per poco

E na madonna!

L’autunno è il mese dei calendari. La scelta è sempre difficile, ed è bene cominciare per tempo: trovarsi in camera le nudità sbagliate potrebbe compromettere la serenità interiore. Nel gara al nudo ma con arte, per il 2010 scende in campo la donna che contende ad Eva lo scettro di più famosa del mondo: la vergine Maria. L’associazione spagnola Lgbt ha infatti pubblicato un calendario in cui si vedono, nude, alcune figure bibliche tra cui la nostra amata madonna, figlia del suo figlio. Dopo duemila anni finalmente la vediamo come mamma l’ha fatta, e lo stupore per molti si è trasformata in rabbia. Maria è infatti un trans, e i cattolici spagnoli  non l’hanno presa bene.

Papa ratzinger si è subito affidato all’avvocato delle cause perse Ghedini, che ha preso carta e penna ed ha scritto a chiare lettere:

La caratteristica di transessuale conferma il dogma di verginità di Maria, che in quanto uomo non ha possibilità di essere sverginato nel senso femminile del termine, mentre San Giuseppe è stato solo l’utilizzatore finale.

Maggiori approfondimenti nel prossimo libro di Bruno Vespa, che conterrà il confronto tra Ghedini e un ginecologo.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Too Cool To Be A Joke

You know, there’s only so long you can be a good sport without beginning to get mad.  When I saw that the subject of one of my favorite comedies was going to be wrestling, I dared to hope.  Not that my sport would be mentioned, but that it would be ignored.  I hoped the victim of the lampooning would be wrestling of the professional variety.  Perhaps, I thought, they won’t get around to making amateur wrestling look stupid once again.  That’s what I get for hoping.

            The plot did indeed feature the boys going to a WWE show, getting fired up, then seeking out the school’s wrestling coach the next day.  The boys show up for class dressed out in singlets and headgear.  In real life kids wear t-shirts and shorts. The coach is also dressed in such a way as to make him look ridiculous.  I guess that was the point, though I’ve never seen anyone coach practice dressed in a low cut freestyle singlet, and I’ve been around a long time.  When the coach tries to show his new students the fundamentals of referee’s position, they recoil as though they were being molested.  “Dude, this is gay!” they protest, and flee the scene.  To add insult to injury, the coach is later portrayed as a pedophile with gay porn on his IPod.

            Now I don’t have such a stick up my butt that I can’t laugh along with an audience who might find the finer points of wrestling amusing, but where, I ask you, are the positive images of amateur wrestling?   Whether it’s South Park or The Pacifier, amateur wrestling is always portrayed at best as ludicrous, at worst, aberrant.  I even remember a TV series from the early 90’s (I’ll Fly Away) where the two protagonists are presented their wrestling uniforms in a bizarre naked ritual that would make any parent wonder about a sport where such things are countenanced.   Well, mom and dad, they aren’t.

            In fact, I can remember only one example when wrestling was made to look cool.  Wrestlers all know what I’m talking about.  VisionQuest.   While the 1985 Matthew Modine vehicle now looks dated (complete with mullets, jeri curls, and a young Madonna bogeying in the background) it’s still the only time cinema has shown the wrestling experience with a nod to realism and accuracy in its positive portrayal.

            In real life few kids are dumb enough to expect a boxing ring at practice, and they are always intrigued and interested in what they do find.  What tends to attract new recruits is the idea of single combat, and once they see the older boys hitting double legs, hip throws, and cradles, they usually can’t wait to see more.  The stuff they see on TV is flashy and exciting, but real wrestling works.  When they actually learn how to take someone down and pin them, they can’t get enough.  And while I’ve had many self conscious boys express reluctance to put on the spandex singlet, I’ve never once in all my years had someone yell, “Dude, this is gay!” and run out of the joint.

            I did, however, once encounter a group of boys who thought they might be joining a professional troupe.  One year five Hispanic students of mine did show up the first day of practice rather colorfully attired.  All five wore genuine leather Mexican luchadore masks along with their purple and gold Lumpkin County t-shits.  One even had his headgear bucked over the mask.  As Homer Simpson once confided, “Down there, it’s a real sport!”  They were an immediate hit.  The other boys thought it was the coolest thing ever.  When they found out different, no one quit.  Four out of the five stuck with the team, and one even became a state champion.

            As for those immature souls who think the sport is gay, they usually take care of themselves.  Those who can’t handle being touched don’t last long, and those who can’t handle being physically dominated by another person soon weed themselves out.  Those that remain are in for an experience like no other sport in the world.  Most parents become intense fans.  I even had one mother exclaim, “This is the most exciting thing I’ve ever seen!”  I just wish all the Hollywood screenwriters who see wrestling as a source of cheap laughs were made to go even one period with the coaches they portray so negatively.  Then we might be the ones laughing.

Judging the Judges, Part Two: Dannii Minogue

We continue our look at what the judges have done in their pre-X Factor lives which has given them the right to help make and break the dreams of the finalists.

This time it is the turn of Dannii Minogue.

It would probably be fair to say that being Kylie’s sister probably isn’t the easiest thing at times, but Dannii certainly has made a name for herself across many different areas.

Dannii Minogue - you may have heard of her sister

The Australian talent-spotter was starring in Home & Away when she was just 17 and had already done six years singing and dancing live on Young Talent Time.

With experience in live TV, it is no surprise then that she has done well on the X Factor and is also a judge on Australia’s Got Talent too.

But she is also a singer and has had 21 hit singles here in the UK and has released 5 albums. Madonna also allowed Dannii to sample ‘Into The Grove’ on one of her tracks – the first time Madonna has ever done this.

Not just satisfied with being on our TVs and Radios, she is an expert at treading the boards too.

She has played ‘Rizzo’ in Grease – The Arena Spectacular which played to over 450,000 people in its first tour.

She has also played Shakespeare’s ‘Lady Macbeth’ at the Edinburgh Festival and ‘Esmerelda’ in Notre Dame De Paris at The Dominion theatre in London’s glittering West End, for which she won an award for ‘Best Stage Performance’ and played to 2,000 people seven days a week.

Not only that, she has also lectured at a private event for BAFTA, trekked across the Gobi Desert in China, is an awards ceremonies compare, radio show presenter and Ambassador for the Olivia Newton-John Cancer and Wellness Centre and the HIV and AIDS charity – the Terrance Higgins Trust.

So being Kylie’s sister probably isn’t that bad after all then!

In part three, a quick look back over the career of Louis Walsh.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

High-end fashion, low-end price?

It’s recently been announced that Jimmy Choo are teaming up with H&M to create a small line of high street priced clothes and shoes. This isn’t the first of these collections and probably it won’t be the last.

Recently Christopher Kane has done a line for TopShop (which many fashion editors were spotted in this LFW) and Matthew Williamson did a line for H&M in the summer, which was worn by many celebs.

Christopher Kane for Topshop Matthew Williamson for H&M.

These are just two of the most recent high end collections – H&M has collaborated in the past with Karl Largerfeld, Victor and Rolf, Solange Azagury-Partridge, Stella McCartney and Madonna (amongst others – see here). As an avid fashionista I have bought many of the pieces from the various ranges (Karl Largerfeld, Stella, Solange, Victor and Rolf) but apart from my Victor and Rolf Tee and my Karl Largerfeld dress I have been uniformally disappointed. The plating came of the Solange Azagury-Partrisdge ring I had and began to cut my finger, the Stella dress began to thin, and most of the other collections looked, well, cheap (or had sold out completely).

The Jil Sander at Uniqlo that launched earlier this month looks fab because, like the Karl Lagerfeld, it’s almost all in black and properly made rather than made on the cheap and sold cheap – they really are keepers.

Jil Sander for Uniqlo

I’m personally a little worried about the Jimmy Choo/H&M collection as I think that some of the products could come out looking a little cheap. When a pair of shoes is £49.99, they can never look expensive. I think that any shoes that cost that much will not be the best quality (certainly I am crippled so badly by high street shoes that I had to sell my gorgeous Zara booties sad times). Therefore, I am sceptical about the comfort and quality of this line. If it were cheaper, they’d be throw away, but at this price they’re not really keepers either.

Jimmy Choo for H&M (see their website for more details and pictures…)

Anyway, I am not sure that these designer/high street collaborations are actually value for money. Yes, you feel smug and successful for snagging a hot, cheap designer piece BUT are they really value for money? Often made from cheap fabrics and not built to last but costing upwards of £100. Personally I think that if you’re going to spend over £100, maybe a £150, why not by something from Marc by Marc Jacobs or another diffusion line? The quality will be better and they will last longer.

This is my opinion, let me know what you think xxx

P.S. Jimmy Choo for H&M hits UK stores on the 14th November from 9am…

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Ashtanga Yoga Stretches Across NYC

Madonna practicing Ashtanga Yoga

Yoga has been taking over exercise routines for the past few years.  But more recently Ashtanga Yoga, otherwise known as “power yoga” is stretching to every corner of Manhattan. Celebrities like Parker Posey, Madonna, Sting, and Christy Turlington are fans of this fast paced, intense style. Ashtanga translates to “eight limbs” in Sanskirt, and is more difficult than other forms because of the constant movement from one pose to the next. Visit one of these yoga studios to try this trendy workout!

Yoga Yoga NYC, 102 W. 4th Street

Yoga Yoga sits in the West Village, near recently leased space 11 Christopher Street. A one room studio with bamboo floors, this studio gives its clients an intimate and relaxing feel even during a tough workout. Ashtanga classes are on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7:30pm, perfect timing for some after work exercise.

Ashtanga Yoga Shala, 295 E 8th St.

A studio specializing in Ashtanga Yoga, Ashtanga Yoga Shala offers a free intro for beginners and allows newcomers to  watch a session before they sign up for classes. This studio believes in helping its clients in creating a yoga lifestyle, with attention to diet and health choices. The goal is to attain a state of conciousness and awareness to your body and mind.

YogaWorks, 37 W. 65th Street

Also located in several cities in California, YogaWorks offers Ashtanga classes every day of the week. The studio provides students with showers, dressing rooms, free towel services, a tea lounge, and even a boutique filled with yoga accessories, books, clothing, and music. YogaWorks aims to serve yoga-ers of all levels, making beginners feel comfortable.

-Caitlin

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The X Factor: Cheryl Cole is a Girl Aloud

“It’s time to face the music”, yadda, yadda… but this time it was Cheryl’s turn. And I actually felt a pang of nerves for her.

Did she sing live? Or just ‘perform’ live? I’m not sure, but I’m not sure I care.

Her debut solo single ‘Fight For This Love’ had a shaky start and at first I thought the raunchy military garb was a bit bizarre. But the track is a grower – and the girl can move.

If Simon had been honest I think he would have said: “Not the best vocal.” But that would have made her cry – again. And we’ve all had enough emotion for one weekend.

She may not have the strongest voice but she’s a fantastic performer. And that combination didn’t do the likes of Madonna or Kylie any harm.

It’s just a shame she was immediately followed by the powerhouse set of lungs that is Whitney Houston – a true diva, despite being oddly fazed by the wardrobe malfunction.

Anyway, 45 minutes into the show and back to the point.

John & Edward were obviously not going to be booted off – despite performing like they’d been granted their Jim’ll Fix It dream to be ‘popstars for the night’.

Cheryl even chucked an insult at them at the end. I love it when her angelic halo slips a bit.

In a totally predictable finale, Rachel (undeservedly) went up against Rikki in a fight for survival.

…And Rikki went. Thank god for that. But don’t worry. For all you Rikki fans out there, I promise you’ll be over it by this time next week.

Source

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Madonna com Jesus Luz no Brasil ?

Madonna

Segundo publicado pelo jornal O Estado de S. Paulo na edição deste sábado [17.10.2009], Madonna teria reservado uma casa em Salvador para passar o próximo fim de semana:

O imóvel apontado como o escolhido por Madonna é o mesmo onde ficou hospedado Bono Vox, líder da banda irlandesa U2, quando esteve em Salvador a convite de Gilberto Gil.

Segundo a matéria do jornal, além da mansão no bairro do Encontro das Águas, a equipe de Madonna também teria feito reservas alternativas em dois hotéis da cidade, que podem ser usadas como opção ao imóvel alugado.

A nota foi encontrada aqui.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

melodramatiese madonna

 

Madonna sê as sy nie so hard gewerk het nadat sy en Guy Ritchie uitmekaar uit is nie het sy dalk selfmoord oorweeg. Midde-in die drama van haar skeisaak het Madonna besluit the show must go on en het sy die wêreld platgedraf met haar Sticky & Sweet toer. “Dit was ‘n moeilike jaar,” vertel sy vir Rolling Stone. “Ek kon myself dalk van ‘n gebou afgegooi het. Ek dink my werk het my gered en daarvoor is ek baie dankbaar.”

Vir my klink dit bietjie over the top. Die vrou het drie kinders en het hierdie jaar ‘n vierde een aangeneem, maar hulle het haar nie gered nie? Dan praat ek nie eens van Kaballah en haar geliefde model toyboy Jesus nie. Kry ‘n grip vroumens. Baie mense skei en nog meer sukkel deur hierdie lewensissues sonder wêreldroem en miljoene in die bank.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Tell Me Your Thoughts...

original article by Jenny Feldman


Trend Alert: Bunny Ear Headbands
“Remember when Madonna wore them? Are you next? As with all questions of style, my policy is never say never. So when I saw an adorable pic on the Sartorialist of a real girl headed to the Vuitton show in Paris wearing, yep, LV bunny ears, I knew I had to get my hands on a pair. Dear readers, what do you think?” (written courtesy glamour.com)
______________________________________________________
From the Editor-

I personally do not dig this style at all. It seems very costumey and I don’t believe a true fashionista would ever rock this outside a haute couture fashion gala or Halloween. Trust me when I say I love headbands; I myself have ones that include gemstones, feathers, flowers etc. but this is a bit to theatrical for even me. It’s very Alice in Wonderland. And let’s be reminded folks Madonna isn’t like the rest of us I mean she immortalized the pointed bra but that doesn’t mean it was ever appropriate on the social scene.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Madonna procura apartamento de R$ 4,7 milhões para Jesus Luz

Após dois divórcios, Madonna tem levado à risca a decisão de não se casar novamente. Tanto que a cantora pop pediu para seus agentes imobiliários procurarem um apartamento no valor de aproximadamente R$ 4,7 milhões para o namorado, o modelo brasileiro Jesus Luz, segundo informações do tabloide britânico The Sun.

Madonna quer que o imóvel seja perto de sua casa, avaliada em R$ 70 milhões e localizada no Upper East Side, em Nova York. Apesar de o pagamento ser feito por ela, o apartamento ficará em nome de Jesus.

- Ela realmente não estava brincando quando disse que ele nunca terá que se preocupar com dinheiro a partir de agora – disse uma fonte do tabloide.

Além de constar na folha de pagamento de sua empresa, Madonna tem arrumado trabalhos de modelagem para o brasileiro com seus amigos Marc Jacobs e Dolce & Gabbana.

Lady Gaga and Madonna have dance off in NYC club!

. . . . Madonna and Lady Gaga got into the groove following their mock catfight on US sketch show Saturday Night Live – with a dance-off in front of thrilled clubbers in New York City, WENN reports October 7th. . . .
The pair donned matching black lingerie and knee-high boots to stage a catfight as part of a TV comedy skit last weekend, with the feisty duo slinging insults at each other. . . . _
And the pair couldn’t resist teaming up again at a birthday party thrown for the Holiday hitmaker’s manager Guy Oseary – taking to the dance- floor for a full-on dance battle at the Big Apple’s Submercer club. . . . .
A source tells New York gossip column PageSix, “(DJ) Jus Ske was joking around and alternating their songs Holiday and Poker Face, and then they both started going at it.” . . . . “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.” . . . . . .

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Lady Gaga and Madonna catfight (VIDEO)

Lady Gaga and Madonna stole the show this weekend with a surprise skit on “Saturday Night Live.”
During a mock music show called “Deep House Dish,” “SNL” cast member Kenan Thompson announced, “Performing together for the very first time, Lady Gaga and Madonna!” The performers came out in similar black leather outfits and danced to a tepid electro song before mocking each other.

“What’s wrong Madonna, can’t get into the groove?”
to which Madonna replied,
“Looks like your wig needs a fix!”
A hair-pulling match ensued that ended with Gaga and Madonna
pretending to strangle each other.

Lady Gaga hit the “SNL” stage three times,
performing her “Paparazzi,” “LoveGame” and “Bad Romance.”

In the past, Gaga has compared herself to Madonna stating:
“I think what Madonna and I share is that we’re both fearless, we both have a lot of nerve.”

Madonna has also made it known that she is a fan of the pop starlet
and has even been spotted attending one of her concerts in New York with daughter Lourdes.


Lady Gaga and Madonna catfight (VIDEO)
download HQ VIDEO (1280×720, mp4, 45Mb)
sample screen:

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Sunday, October 4, 2009

I almost became a stripper, but then realized the late shift thing wasn't for me

Why “reinvent” anyway?

On one hand, wanting to reinvent myself could mean a couple of things:

1. I’m dissatisfied with my life.

2. I’ve watched the E! True Hollywood Story: Madonna episode too many times (like, eight times)

In either case though, you would have assumed wrong.. And everyone knows that when you “assume” you make and ASS out of U and ME.

..Anyways, that’s not what this post is about.

One day at Starbucks (you know, I effing mention them a lot and they don’t like, pay me or anything, but they totally should.. I’m awesome at drinking coffee) my sister and I were chatting about the next big thing in my life. For the last little bit I’ve just, I don’t know, felt ’stuck’.. you know?

I mean, things were going right for me: Great job, bad-ass husband, hot friends, a solid sister, good skin, and a fairly decent cup size for my small frame. But yet the spice in my life had gotten a bit stale. It’s like when you leave cumin in the jar for a year and half, then bust it out to make your kick-ass turkey chili but then realize that you might as well have just dusted the whole pot in saw dust because that’s pretty much what your turkey chili tastes like now that it has that ancient spice all over it.

Sometimes, life just gets bland.

So my sister and I (let’s call her..um.. “Ashley”) are talking about the next thing I can do in my life to shake things up a bit and get fancy with my days again. It had been a few months since my last ‘big thing’ and I was craving a fresh something ‘er other to keep my juices flowing..

Because I’m nothing if not juicy.

Ashley: “I think you need to, um, I don’t know… change yourself up a bit.. new hair?”

Me: “Ah, no. That’s balls. Something better. This is the last year before 30 and I just really want to exit this mo-fo with a bang..”

Ashley: “I feel you. You need to reinvent yourself as someone…”

Me: “Better?”

Ashley: “No..”

Me: “Funner.. funner? Is that a word?”

Ashley: “No.”

Me: “..else?”

Ashley: “Yes.. you need to reinvent yourself someone else.. that’s what you need to do.”

Me: “But I do that every year.. you knowt the List. Make goals, check them off and poof, reinvented.”

Ashley: “That’s good shit, what you do there. Right there. You should tell others about reinventing themselves. There are A LOT of people feeling like you do right now.”

Me: “Word.”

And so, reinventing sandyb was born.

How I went from that conversation to the other end of this blog is still an effing mystery. But it’s here, so whatever. I’m going with it.

When I was in the first grade, there were two Sandy’s in the class: Sandy J and me, Sandy B. One of us became a stripper. And the other one is telling you about the other girl who became a stripper. And that’s the end of that sentence.

Since then, the name “Sandy B” stuck with me through most of grade school, and even in to high school. It annoyed me to have my name attached to a single letter like that at first, but then it became what set my name apart from everyone else’s. And isn’t that what we all want to be sometimes – set apart from the rest?

Today, even my coworkers call me sandyb.. and I’m almost sure my mom said it once, which was actually a little creepy, although I’m not sure why.

So when someone asks me, ‘why reinvent?’ I tell them two things:

1. I’d rather be boring, have bad breath, snort when I laugh, go to church, put cream in my coffee, not shave my armpits everyday, kiss an ugly girl with a moustache and have perma-pit stains than be complacent. Complacency is the root of all evil (and Nickle Back songs).

2. Because if Madonna did it, so can I.

So if you’re feeling ’stuck’, ’stank’, ’stale’ or ‘bland’ like year-old cumin, I’d recommend doing the following within the next 24-hours for some shamless, instant reinvention gratification..

-Change your mind about one thing you know you’re ’stuck’ on. For example: That guy who won’t commit already; that girl who doesn’t even know you exist; that friend who won’t return your phone calls; that boss who doesn’t even know you’re alive; those last five pounds. Get unstuck.

-Part your hair the other way. It might not seem like much, but I promise you, it will do wonders.

-Tomorrow, say hello to the people at work you never talk to. You never know, but you could be the one person they’ve been dying to talk to. I mean, you’re awesome, aren’t you? (p.s. only awesome people can read my blog..fyi)

-When you wake up tomorrow morning, tell yourself that you aren’t just going to some bullshit job. Instead, tell youself that those eight hours will be about practicing for the next big thing in YOUR life. Think of every experience as free education.

-And for God’s sake, make yourself a LIST.

So, do you have a reinvention List? Drop some of that gold in the comments area or hit me back: originalsandyb@gmail.com.

Le classifiche di vendita in Europa (4/10/2009)

Settimana tranquilla nelle classifiche di vendita europee: gli scossono sono previsti a breve con l’uscita degli album dei Tokyo Hotel, di Noemi e Paola Turci in Italia e con la diffusione -già cominciata – dell’album di Madonna. E con l’uscita del film su di lui, potrebbe tornare ancora in circolo Micheal Jackson.

Intanto Miss Ciccone ha cominciato la scalata ma vi segnaliamo anche l’album dei Pearl Jam, già primo in Portogallo e prossimo a sbancare i negozi di tutta Europa. Fra i singoli, si segnala il ritorno dei tedeschi Rammstein, subito a far cassetta in Finlandia, dove il metal è apprezzato. Fito y los Fittipaldis e Bisbal, dei quali avevamo parlato, primi in Spagna. Sotto, i numeri uno. In alto “My way” degli ABC (Alien Beat Club), primi in Danimarca (no, il video dei Rammstein non ve lo facciamo vedere, che questo è un blog per bene e le scene porno non ci piacciono!)

AUSTRIA: Singoli: If a song could get me you – Marit Larsen Album: Resistance – The Muse BELGIO: Singoli: I gotta feeling – Black Eyed Peas Album: Resistance – The Muse DANIMARCA: Downloads: My way – Abc Album: Resistance – The Muse FINLANDIA: Singoli: Pussy-Rammstein Album: Tanaan ei huomista murehdita – Lauri Tahka & Elonkerjuu FRANCIA: Singoli: Lady Melody – Tom Frager Album: Resistance – The Muse GERMANIA: Singoli: If a song could get me you – Marit Larsen Album: Resistance- The Muse GRAN BRETAGNA: Singoli: Break your heart – Taio Cruz Album: Resistance – The Muse IRLANDA: Singoli: I gotta feeling – Black Eyed Peas Album: Celebration-Madonna ITALIA: Downloads: L’amore si odia – Noemi ft Fiorella Mannoia Album: Celebration- Madonna NORVEGIA: Singoli: Ambitions- Donkeyboys Album: Get lucky – Mark Knopfler OLANDA: Singoli: Mi rowsu – Damaru & Jan Smit Album: For bitter or worse – Anouk PORTOGALLO: Singoli: I gotta feeling – Black Eyed Peas Album: Backspacer – Pearl Jam REPUBBLICA CECA Singoli: When love takes over – David Guetta ft Kally Rowland Album: Celebration- Madonna SPAGNA: Singoli: Esclavo de sus besos- David Bisbal Album: Antes que cuente diez – Fito y los Fittipaldis SVEZIA: Singoli: I gotta feeling – Black eyed Peas Album: Tang om angraar mig och sen angraar mig igen -Lars Winnerback SVIZZERA: Singoli: I gotta feeling – Black Eyed Peas Album: Resistance – The Muse

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Madonna will not marry again

madonna

Madonna will not marry again. Speaking to media source Queen of Pop Madonna said that she will not marry again and prefer to die than marry.

There were rumours that Madonna will marry her boyfriend Jesus, however singer’s comments proved the rumours wrong. Madonna 50 year’s old pop singer who is dating Jesus, 22 years old Brazilian model even said that there would be no more wedding bells for her and she would rather get run over by a train than marry third time.

She split from her second husband Guy Ritchie after eight year of marriage that took place in 2000. Her first Actor husband Sean Penn split after four years of marriage to her which took place in 1985.

Pop Queen Madonna is well-known for her strict diet and rigorous fitness regime.

 

WATCH VIDEO OF MADONNA

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Stuff That's Awesome: Bad Movies and Terrible TV

Today we embark upon a new weekly series entitled, Stuff That’s Awesome, where we’ll profile the lessor known things that make this here country of ours so dang great. Sure, freedom, liberty, electricity, Roomba’s and cheese are pretty sweet, but Stuff That’s Awesome will examine the things that truly make America, well, America. This week: bad movies and terrible television.

Oh the shame!

Last week, movie review site Rotten Tomatoes posted their Worst of the Worst list, detailing the 100 worst-reviewed movies over the last ten years. Cycling through the list, I discovered I’ve seen 31 of these duds, including Delta Farce, Boat Trip, Down to You, Because I Said So, and most shamefully, Swept Away. (I’m too ashamed to provide a direct link, but the image to the left should say it all.)

But fast-forward ten years and I’d be willing to bet that I’ll begrudgingly admit to having seen at least 30 percent of the worst-reviewed movies from 2010 to 2020. That’s the thing about Americans: we love our bad movies and terrible TV shows. It’s escapism at it’s finest/worst. However we might justify it at the time, when spend a Saturday watching Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous on TBS, what we’re really saying is, “Holy crap, this movie is awful. But at least I don’t have to think about MY problems for the next two hours.” And Hollywood knows this.

Now, I’ve never been a studio writer, but I’ve seen enough delightfully bad TV shows and movies in my time to understand how they’re made. The process all starts deep within the bowels of a Hollywood studio where a 63-person team of overworked, underpaid, malnourished writers throw out ideas, scenarios and dialogue like a [insert smart, witty simile here]. This process happens for about 48 seconds until, EUREKA! They come up with a loose premise for a movie—let’s say, middle-aged men who ride Harleys—and a studio exec loves it. Says things like “it’ll play well in middle America,” which would be insulting to all us backwoods Midwesterners if we weren’t all dumb as shit.

Next they churn out a script plagued with cliché and devoid of any story or character development. This proves to be a problem, as even Midwesterners can spot tired clichés. Thus, the solution lies in the cast.  After all, everyone knows a decent cast can turn a pile of crap into box-office gold, right?

So they get William H. Macy on board, then Marisa Tomei, Peter Fonda and Ray Liotta.

“Wow! Must be a Coen Brothers movie! I can’t wait to see it!”

A lot CAN happen on the road to nowhere!

Then they sign on John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, John C. McGinley and the Sklar Brothers.

“Interesting cast. This could be a decent film.”

Dr. Drew and Ty Pennington agree to do cameos, and Lulu finds time in her schedule for an appearance.

“What kind of movie did you say this was again?”

Then the bad movie cherry on top: Tim Allen comes on to play one of the leads.

“Ah, I think I’ll just catch this on TBS one day.”

Add it all up and you have Wild Hogs, a hilariously bad, tour de farce that I spent two hours of my life watching last Saturday. Two hours I’ll never get back. Ever. But, frankly, I’m okay with that.

Sure, watching My Antonio or Dancing With the Stars might not be the best way to spend an hour of my time on a Tuesday night. But it sure beats figuring out how I’m going to get out of credit card debt, reading a book or caring about stuff any day of the week. And in my opinion, that’s why bad movies and terrible TV are just so awesome.